Liminal Things

And Everything In Between

I find myself in between again. This seems to be a recurring position in my life. I discover something, I explore it, it completes, and I move on. There never seems to be one thing, one answer, or one place that makes me want to say, this is home.

Ego sum.

I keep getting the same reminder from my guides: to write. “You need to write” is the last impression that comes through during meditation. So here I am, typing what comes into my thoughts. That does not mean I will publish it exactly as it arrives, but I am trying not to control or interrupt the stream of consciousness as it moves through me.

I asked tarot what I should write about today and pulled the Nine of Swords and The World. Thought patterns, usually anxious or negative, alongside completion and closure. Does a positive cancel a negative and leave us neutral? That is what it feels like. Suspended between worry and resolution.

The world represents completions of cycles, and the four various elements and suites. All encompassing.

Rather than identifying one big theme, it feels more honest to focus on the smaller pieces and how they assemble into something that almost holds together. Something cohesive and disjointed at the same time. Like a child’s creation made of Lego bricks, string, glue, and paper. Look at this thing. It is mine. Swap the word thing with mess and we are halfway there.

Tongue Things

I have now had two surgical procedures done on my tongue. I wrote about the first one previously. The second happened about a month later because the frenulum began to grow back. This time the doctor cut more aggressively, and I have been more diligent about stretching and massaging my tongue in the evenings (it is not a comfortable exercise).

I have not noticed dramatic changes, but the small ones matter. Certain consonants are easier to pronounce, especially “th” sounds and anything requiring my tongue to reach the roof of my mouth. My voice dropped slightly, which was an unexpected side effect. Singing has improved too, though I suspect that has more to do with technique and experimentation than the procedure itself.

Music Things

I practice about an hour a day, singing while playing accompaniment. I did my first TikTok livestream a few nights ago. Two people stayed long enough to listen to a song, which feels like an honest baseline.

My voice is still nothing remarkable. I auditioned for a piano bar recently and was politely told my vocals were not strong enough. That was not a surprise. I had hoped they might let me improve on the job.

The rejection came with a gift. I asked for advice, and they recommended vocal coaching with one of their pianists. I started last week and have my second session tomorrow. They also told me it was not a definitive ‘no’, just a ‘not yet’. And I can live with not yet.

Spiritual Things

On 11/11, after an extended meditation, I made two significant decisions. One was to leave a spirituality group I had been part of for over a year. I am grateful for what I learned there, but I realized I was using their online community as a substitute for real social connection. I also wanted more sovereignty in following my own path.

There is value in mentorship, though, and about a month later I joined a different group focused on intuition and tarot. The pace of learning has been less structured while being more straightforward. In a short time I have learned a lot about trusting my intuition.

It turns out I can intuitively read tarot. I would love more practice. If you would like a free reading, reach out in messages or in the comments and I will respond.

Creative Things

I revisited my YouTube channel, originally created for roleplaying games, and posted two sessions of Thousand Year Vampire, a solo journaling RPG. They were easy to make, though time consuming. I plan to continue.

I have also been uploading short clips to my music channel. The shorts get more traction than full videos, which seems to be the nature of the platform. YouTube is not exactly built for indie musicians starting out.

Writing, despite repeated nudges from myself and my guides, has mostly stopped. When I returned to Substack, I promised myself ten weekly posts. I did not get there. So I am starting again, here.

I have also stopped writing music, not intentionally. I simply have not felt compelled to put lyrics on paper or chords to words. That is a choice I would like to consciously reverse and begin again.

Relationships and Social Things

I came to a hard realization about a week ago. I do not have any friends. To clarify, I do not have any friends outside the internet. Everyone I talk to regularly is online.

If I wanted to grab coffee or lunch today, there is nobody nearby I feel like I could call. Several close relationships seemed to disappear at the same time, and I am still trying to understand how that silence arrived so suddenly. One was my best friend from high school. Another was a brief but intense friendship and soul-level relationship with a woman, which I have written about previously.

Even though its been no contact for over a month, I still think about her and wonder how things unraveled so quickly. Tarot tells me it is not the end as much as it seems like it is. I have tried letting go repeatedly through meditation, rituals, journaling, and letter writing. Healing is slow and nonlinear. I am trying to accept what happens without remaining emotionally tethered.

Reunion pending apparently. And there are choices, but some are more correct than others.

My brother and I spend time together occasionally, but his life is understandably centered on his romantic relationship. When I reach out, he usually already has plans.

If I want to play a tabletop wargame, that is easy enough. I can find someone on Discord, meet at a game store, and roll dice. But that is not the same thing. There is little emotional exchange. No reflection. No sharing of inner life.

I miss that kind of connection deeply. A quiet loneliness has crept in, one I have not felt in a long time. I probably need a therapist. It is discouraging to realize that I may need to pay someone for the kind of listening and reflection that used to come from close friends.

Entertainment and Diversion Things

I have remembered that I enjoy video games, despite their time demands. I have been playing Clair Obscur: Expedition 33, revisiting Red Dead Redemption on my phone, and finding gentle pleasure in Dave the Diver. Catching fish and making sushi with Bancho has been a surprisingly soothing distraction.

All my friends now exist in polygon form.

Conclusion

So here I am, in between. I am not content, if I am being honest. When you see lack, it is hard to pretend it is not there. That is where the Nine of Swords shows up. The perception of lack lives in the mind.

The only cage is the one the mind creates.

I am trying to imagine what connection might look like in physical space rather than digital. Just because certain people are unresponsive does not mean everyone will be. It feels like I am trying to force the outcome to look a certain way.

I want to embody the change I am hoping for. I can be the one who reaches out, who proposes plans, who opens doors. Still, it would be nice to see something reflected back. To reach out and hear nothing is painful.

For now, I remain here. Paying attention. Writing. Standing in the liminal space, waiting to see what assembles itself next.